in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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