we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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