spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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