I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
