I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize