the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
