I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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