oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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