I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
