woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
