and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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