You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
