You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
