i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize