Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
