since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
