ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
