I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You were trust falling into bushes
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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