party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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