a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
