hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
third nipple confirmed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
