Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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