Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
