bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
