How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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