My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
