Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
