im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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