You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
