I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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