life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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