i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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