theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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