someone threw a dead crab at me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
