Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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