all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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