$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
