So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize