I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
50% drunk capacity currently
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
