im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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