ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
