I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
