Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
