I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
