my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
