They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
