i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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