dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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