if i can run in heels then i can drive
She said her name was "party"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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