I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
