i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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