He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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