i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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