and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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