worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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