Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
